Dearest Rev. Rick,
Years and years ago, before Tonya Harding hired a knee assassin to hunt down and attack Nancy Kerrigan, an animated film entitled All Dogs Go to Heaven was released. The film successfully initiated a whole new school of thought concerning pets and the afterlife. Pet cemeteries began to take on a whole new role in society (compared to when "the back yard" or "out behind the tool shed" was usually reserved for the burial of faithful and loving and dead pets). Now you'd be laughed out of town for even mentioning that pets don't go to heaven--I mean, where the hell else would they go?
My question: When pets arrive at the pearly gates and begin hiking their legs on the lampposts of the golden streets, they each get a set of shimmering, snow-white wings. But what about pet birds? Does Petey Parakeet or Crackers the Parrot get a second set of wings? And if so, are birds allowed within the city limits of Heaven Proper? Because a flock of 10 birds would sound like a flock of 20! And who could jam out on the harp if the sound of bird flapping was blaring at all times of the day and night?
And finally, what about penguins? Their wings aren't even evolved for flight--do they get a second set of underdeveloped wings? If so, that'd just be weird.
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
I hope i don't sound to crass by starting out with: Don't muck up Heaven with Logic. This is a post Harding world. This is a new era, a new dawn and a new beginning all wrapped up in an even bigger new-age cliche`.
In this new age we can have new and exciting ways of thinking about pets in the afterlife. If you particularly get stuck on the whole wing issue, try thinking outside of the birdcage. Possibly all new parakeets, cocateils, parrots and so on have their wings surgically removed and then are fitted with the much larger raptor-like angel wings.
Granted, they are rather large, but there will be no quadruple flap problem. In this new age of gizmos, micro-com-processor-tones, flap-junk, and willy nilly hog-wash-its, it is comforting to know that our thoughts about heaven can be as varied as the science of creating breakfast foods in a lab.
Why not entertain the notion of a personal heaven? A heaven where you and polly and your lovely wife can all share a place basking in the glory of God? And if your wife hated you, or polly, you still have your version of heaven with a perfect version of your wife, while she has a seperate heaven with no polly and a perfect loving version of her husband.
Not possible you say? Nothing is not possible with God! In this new post Harding world, not only did Harding Shatter a knee that day, she inadvertentally shattered our perceptions of what could be.
Like levitates to like in your personal heaven.
That is why everything is perfect. Differences pool far away from each other. If you don't want birds mucking up your jam time with their noisy flapping, say hello to the wonderful cuddly friends you have called penguins.
There is always a solution in a limitless world devoid of set, ridgid laws. This is a world where the bouyancy is set at perfection, all will assume their natural order and place. In this earthly world it is easy and natural to believe in a place of perfect harmony because laws, rules, and order that oppose your free spirit are frustrating, even if those laws are things like gravity, the conservation of energy, and nothing surpassing the speed of light.
There can and has to be a place where All Dogs Go to Heaven as well as cats, mice, gerbels, and yes little timmy's budgie. But that place cannot have any obvious flaws like four winged budgies. So yes, you can have your budgie and eat it too.
And for the penguins, sleep tight tonight because we all know hell is too hot for those little buggers, and if they had wanted to fly they would have just upped the ante and darwined themselves into a new set.
Reverend Rick
